If you're easily insulted
by Deltadasher
Summary: ...And actually like the ideas in this crack fic, then look away now and read some good fiction! This is flamming everyone who does a bad attempt at Kadajfiction, including myself at some points. M for language, but I might bring it down later! SARCASM!


This is a fic to show how annoyed I am with people ruining canon characters and somehow moulding them into some new character that you don't even recognise by the end of the chapter. And I mean the first chapter. Sometimes they're bad enough to want to break the monitor, but I don't flame 'em through a review 'cause then they lose the will to write, which isn't good. Some people have really good ideas, and I don't want to smother the smouldering embers of an amazing plotline (or at least one that doesn't kick my brain right from between my ears and use it as an electrical conductor. That hurt last time and I sure as hell won't let it happen again.), so I'm going to flame people without actually flaming them! I will be doing a Sephiroth one later, and one for Tales of Symphonia too (some people are just trying to torture the innocent (and not so innocent) eyes of readers), but just because I'm doing these doesn't mean I think I'm the almighty God of writing. Let's just get that clear. NOT THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF WRITING! I just had a long and drawn out conversation with my sibling about this, and my sister wrote a more slapstick version and has posted it somewhere. Don't ask me. I know I have flaws in my writing as well, but I'm trying my hardest to get things right. Just don't make Kadaj a frikkin' lust bunny, no matter how gorgeous you think your character is!

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We are here for an overview of the life of a character from the movie 'Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children'. If you don't like the idea of a crack fic flaming the most used ideas of this fandom, turn away now. I will be sparing no one. 

_The Life of Kadaj._

Here is Kadaj, the dude of the hour (or fic, say what you want). Today I am going to talk about the strangest and most misguided attempts at writing his character, whether it be after the movie, during it, even before it, or in a completely alternate universe. I know I've written him completely out of character in my first few pieces of fiction, but my latest attempt with 'White Tree of Coloured Glass Hearts' doesn't seem to annoy the masses. Or not to my knowledge. I wouldn't know, I've turned off the anonymous reviews so no little jack asses can flame me and not let me get back at them. If I flame, I'm decent enough to LEAVE A FRIKKIN' PEN NAME!

Ahem Anyway, back to the whole point of this rant. Here is Kadaj. Say hello to your wondrous crowd Kadaj.

"..."

I said say hello.

"..."

Alright, that's it.

"Ow! What the hell?"

As you can see, I'm not bothered about acting like a total jack ass myself in this rant. I will hang people if I need to. Or use mallets, as our wonderful little sausage has just found out.

"Who the hell is talking?"

This character, to many, may seem like an amazing opportunity to write as many weird and (apparently) 'wonderful' pieces of fiction to do about his life before, during, or after Advent Children, since you don't get much of a view into his actual life or the lives of those around him. Unless you've played the game, and you know the main nine characters.

"What's going on?" First things first: Personality. Many people who can actually write get this point right. Unfortunately, many don't. To those people, I write this. Kadaj is not a fluffy white (or silver) rabbit. At the first sign of outside contact he will kill people if left to his own devices. Don't even try asking this guy for directions.

"I heard that."

Shut up and stay still, you silly rab- Anyway, this is not a sausage who will take 'prisoners', 'captives', just for the sake of a plotline. Heck, he doesn't know he's in a story unless he's been told at the beginning. To torture them, maybe, but by the end he would still kill them unless the story was long and drawn out and explained right to the mark how any sort of relationship ROMANTIC OR OTHERWISE would develop. I mean, could you see this guy suddenly falling for someone in the first bloody chapter? That, my friends (or man hunters. Many of you are probably thinking of flames and/or threats to send me at the moment), is known as 'poor writing abilities", or whatever you prefer. If you have a plot, things are already looking up for you!

"What are you talking about? 'Romantic'? ''Relationship'"?" See, there's already a grimace on his face! But I thought I told you to be quiet.

"Ah! Fucking mallet!" Now, whilst he's doing that, I will address the question he has so willingly asked.

More often than not, there are three candidates for the position of Kadaj's 'love interest'. Sometimes they make me cringe. The first of the three is Yazoo, and though I love the dude to pieces I have one thing to ask:

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? They're brothers, mainly, and with the way the middle brother (if that is where you place him in the 'age' ranks. He's always there with me, but I've seen Kadaj as the oldest before, making Yazoo the youngest... oO) is portrayed by many if various fics he doesn't seem to be in the land of the living. In the ones where he is so haplessly left in the hands of Kadaj, be it shudder romantically or otherwise, he's often comes out with the worse end of the deal. if he isn't getting some sweet lovin' from his younger brother he's often being hurt for doing something wrong, which is rather cruel since he doesn't get that many lines in the movie either. That's another point: where to people get the idea that they would even love each other that way? They barely speak to each other, and when they do Kadaj gives about six words, in total, as a reply. What kind of relationship is that?

"What are you doing here Yazoo?"

"You haven't been listening much, have you?"

As Yazoo keeps Kadaj at bay with a sixty foot barge pole, we will go on to our second candidate (or should I say candy-date? I'm sorry, that was just too much of a gem to give up so easily! Feel free to flame about that, my sister will most likely have beaten me several times across the head for that one too.)

"Cloud? Right, what the hell is going on?"

Shut up and behave! You ruined the surprise! Well, here is Tall, Blonde and Boring for you.

Again, like Yazoo, I have nothing against Mr Strife. In the game he had a sense of humour which seems to have packed its bags and left in the film, but I'll let that pass for now. Comparing Barett to a bear wearing a marshmallow when the big man's wearing the sailor suit is still a classic though. Unfortunately, this poor soul is somehow drawn to Kadaj in the minds of many as well, some are unbelievably unbelievable whilst others are only just passable. To stress the point of 'he sees him as a brother' come straight to mind, since Kadaj only mentions it a couple dozen times. Heck, he never calls him by 'Cloud', only as 'Big Brother' (or 'black sheep', whatever you want that suits your tastes). Each time they meet they fight, the manic look on Kadaj's face meaning 'I want to KILL you' not 'I want to hump you and have your bebez!'. Likewise with Cloud, he looks confused and 'wtf?'-ish rather than 'son of a gun that coat leaves nothing to the imagination'-ish. Be reasonable, please! I am begging here! Don't pair a seventeen year old (or what looks like a seventeen year old) with a tall blonde man in black with scrawny arms and carries a huge lump of steel sharpened into a blade around with him. Or five, depending on how you're counting them. And besides, Cloud appears to be a little too distracted by his own head to notice anyone else's.

"Did he just call me scrawny?"

On to our third and final candidate (no more crude jokes to that, I swear). Many can probably already tell what I am about to say--

"Holy hell, where did they come from?"

-And, of course, those who have ruined it by scrolling to the bottom to see the second Author's notes. Yes, it is-

"I don't know, but they look kinda ravenous... I think they want to eat you..."

"Me?"

The Mary-Sues. Now, I know I'm not the only one who gets annoyed by these people. Self insertion fics can make a grown man cry if done by a weird twelve year old (I'm not saying that all twelve year olds are weird, I'm just pointing out that some are, so don't flame me if you're twelve), and make the rest of us want to murder the writer.

"Why don't we leave him as bait and use the distraction to escape?"

" Yazoo, you're standing right next to me and you're 'planning my demise"?"

Well, murder is such a strong word. Let's just say... 'mortally wound them' for now. But these self insertion fics, no matter how much you try and deny it, all turn out to be Mary-Sue or Anti Mary-Sue fics. It annoys the hell out of those of the community that can write, and gives a bad influence to the ones trying to become good writers. If you get constructive criticism, use it to your advantage and don't let your Mary-Sue run rampant! If they're just walking down the street and spot Kadaj from a distance, it's more likely that they would get killed if he's in a bad mood, or 'mortally wounded', or ignored. This is a man of very little attention to anything but himself and his own plans, so no random romance or flirtations.

If your character happens to be forced into a situation with one, two, or even all three brothers, it is unlikely that they would leave their company alive. After forcing the information they want from their victim it is most likely that they would be killed for either knowing too much or not enough. And knowing that the three of them, the practical spawn of Sephiroth, are walking around and planning on bringing the 'Nightmare' back, would be a dangerous thing so they'd have to be 'silenced', so to speak. Wouldn't you kill someone to keep such a big secret?... Hm, that was a little dark...

"Who cares? Just get these things away from me!"

"Hey, what about us?"

"Shut up Yazoo! You know it's me they're after!"

"I think the circle's getting smaller..."

Anyway, the only way Kadaj would be forced to interact with anyone, especially with someone of the opposite gender, would be if he were forced. Forced to fight or forced to live with them (as in: if you keep the poor sausage alive after Cloud beats the living shit out of Sephiroth, and then he has to go and live with Tall, Blonde and Boring for whatever reason you have), when you think about it either is a good way to go. If he gets his ass handed to him several times by someone in a fight or something, he'd be forced to take notice since they'd still be alive once he's realised what's happened, and if the plot's good it could turn into something readable. Being forced to live under the same roof as Cloud and his cronies isn't too bad either, though you would think that he would leave as soon as he could. That's beside the point, but is crucial to most plots as well. But now that I think about it, if he still hears Aerith's voice (which would be weird since he's about to die there, but oh well...) you'd think he'd be a little nicer to those around him... Well, it's a point to think about--

"Stop going off the subject!"

Shut up, I'm getting there!... Where was I?

"That's it, he's a dead man!"

"Why over react? You can't see him."

"Keep your mouth shut Yazoo..."

Right... Back to the matter at hand... Well, I have nothing else to rant about at the moment.

"Do you hear... footsteps?"

Oh... hell.

"Lloyd? What are you doing with my typewriter?"

Damn!

"Get your scrawny ass back here now!"

"Who the hell is Lloyd?"

"Those weird girls are disappearing!"

"Finally! I can get out of this weird place!"

"What the hell have you been writing?... What the-- this is rubbish!"

Wait Ruth, let me save it!

"'Save it'? What's going on?"

"This doesn't even deserve to see the light of day!"

No!--

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Ha ha! No Author's Notes! Nah boo su- waitaminute... Damn! 


End file.
